Fear of Love

Yesterday was a sad day. A hard day. Our dog got out of our fence because a tree branch had fallen and broken down a section, which we didn’t know about. She got out and ran into the street and was hit by a car and killed. My first reaction was, “really God?”. Like we need more loss after loosing Andrew and the difficult year it has been. It feels like it’s just been one thing after another. I was really upset for my kids who took it really hard. Our dog was 8 years old and very much loved by my kids. We have had her since she was a puppy, back when we only had two kids. The funny thing was that my son who took care of her the most, immediately wanted to get another dog. He wanted to fill that void in his life. I told him we couldn’t do that. We needed to grieve for Annie and then maybe one day we could get another dog. He is so full of love and hope. He didn’t think twice about the risk of loving another dog that might die. I did. My reaction was that I didn’t want any more animals, since over the last 8 years we have had two cats, one dog and a fish die. We have lost three babies and lots of other loved ones, I have just had enough loss. I don’t feel like loving anything else for fear of the pain of loss.

I was reading this book called Hannah’s Hope that I found at the library. It’s a book about infertility and miscarriage. I was hoping it was more geared toward miscarriage, and it does touch on that but it’s mostly about infertility. I have  had a brief period of thinking about that when it took us almost a year to get pregnant with Sam, but I don’t really have any idea what infertility feels like and I won’t pretend I do because that makes what other people are struggling with less important. But what struck me about this woman’s experiences with infertility was that she had a friend who had a miscarriage and she said she secretly was envious of that friend because at least that friend could now call herself a mother, even though she had lost her child. That really hit me. I realized that even though I have lost three children, I am blessed to be able to get pregnant and have 7 kids, even if three of them are in heaven.  There is always someone in a worse place than you, if you just look around you. Anyway, it’s the idea of it being better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I wouldn’t trade the time I had with Andrew, however brief it was, to have never gotten pregnant and not gone through that pain. And so moving forward whether we decide to ever have more children or get another dog or not, I will try my best to love without thought of loss. I will try to love those I have here on earth without fear of loosing them. Man that is hard. Most of me wants to wall up my heart and not love so that maybe I won’t have to hurt again. That is a lonely way to live.

I was listening to a song on the radio the other day that deals with this subject. I came home to look up the story behind the song. The writer’s son was diagnosed with a heart condition and not expected to live after he was born. The dad found himself pulling back his heart from loving his son fully for fear of loosing him. He decided he didn’t want to live that way, and wrote this song. All of me by Matt Hammitt

Afraid to love, something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
And I’m so close to what I can’t control
I can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment, it’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me, you’re worth all of me

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
‘Cause you’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear


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