October

I love the idea of October. The leaves changing, cooler weather and the holidays quickly approaching, however October doesn’t seem to like me very much. Some of my worst moments have happened in October and it is for this reason I am thankful for November’s arrival. In 2005 I lost my Dad in October.  In 2008 we were expecting our third child, we were 15 weeks along and on October 30 I went to a routine doctor’s visit and found out that our baby had died. The next day, on Halloween, I was in the hospital having a D&E. The only thing I really remember from that day was nurses dressed up in Halloween costumes and realizing I would hate this holiday forever. It’s been five years and I still have a hard time with Halloween. The next year, in 2009, we had just had our second miscarriage and then I found out I had a strange cyst near my ovary that had to be removed. So, yet again I was in the hospital in October having surgery not knowing what the outcome might be. The next year in 2010 we lost my dear uncle to cancer in October. Then in 2012 we lost Glenn’s grandfather, also to cancer, in October. It’s just not a good month for me.

As October comes to a close tomorrow I will rejoice, I have to say. This year has not been bad, but it’s just a reminder of the years past and the pain that usually comes in October. Losses are never easy and they linger with you. But I know one thing about loss, God is faithful. He is there with you during those times and will carry you through. He also comes along at the right time and can redeem those losses. Joel 2:25 says “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten”. I believe that God will repay us for the hurts and pains in our lives. It might not be here on earth, but in heaven we will have those losses repaid to us. I have seen this happen here on earth as well, in my life. Our second miscarriage was due March 9, 2010. So, when I got pregnant unexpectedly with our fourth child Elijah and the doctor said he was due on March 9, 2011 I was not happy. I really didn’t want anything to do with that date, but lo and behold he was actually born on his due date. I realized afterward, after I had done everything I could to have him not be born on that date, that God had redeemed that date for me. It is no longer a sad day, but now a happy one. I also feel like God has loaned me kids to raise to redeem my two miscarriages. I have two kids in heaven, Aaron and Clara (I named them) and God has now given us our two adopted children Joshua and Elizabeth as bonus kids and they help fill those holes in my heart left by my kids in heaven. They don’t replace them, but I feel like they redeem the loss in a way. He has loaned me these two beautiful kids for my hands to hold when they were once empty from loss. Someday maybe God will redeem October and something great will help me to not see October as a time of loss anymore, I don’t know, but I am grateful for the loss anyway, it has made me a better person and I would not change that.

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3 thoughts on “October

  1. October is also a hard month for me. In October 2004 I lost a friend in a car accident and my brother to DVT, then on October 12, 2010 Don was gone so quickly that I couldn’t catch my breath. Ron (my brother) died on October 22-Nathaniel’s 2nd birthday. Two years later a dear friend had a baby boy on October 20-Ron’s birthday. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the Name of The Lord. That is the scripture that helped me deal with my grief. And God can take our grief and anger! His shoulders are very big!

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