A witness to grief

The other day I was talking with my counselor. She asked me about my relationship with my dad and began to tell her the story of my life. I started to cry, not just a little, hard. She asked me why I was crying and I said I didn’t know. I truly didn’t. It had been years since my father passed away, 17 actually, so why was I crying? After thinking and praying, God brought me to a podcast about grief. I realized that I think my tears are because I never got closure after my dad’s passing. There was no funeral and he has no grave for me to visit. (I’ll give the full story on that later) Because of that I don’t think I was ever allowed to grieve his loss well. Grief needs a witness. It needs others around you to witness your pain and acknowledge the good and bad in your relationship with your loved one. That is why we have funerals. We need others to witness our grief. If you don’t have those rights of passage then you have a difficult time fully grieving. So, I realized I need to find a way to have that closure. I’ll tell you how I plan to do that, but first let me give you the story of my dad and my relationship, the good the bad and the ugly.

My parents met and married in six weeks. They were in their upper 30’s when they married and my mom had never been married but my dad was divorced. They were married for a few years when they decided to adopt me. My dad was a good dad to me. He spent lots of time reading to me and playing with me. But our happy family wasn’t as happy as I thought. My mom told me later that he had been having affairs since they first were married and that continued throughout their relationship. When I was six they separated and divorced a couple years later. Shortly before their divorce, my dad moved out of state and my mom was left to run the home health agency they had started together. One day the IRS showed up at her door and took over her business stating that employee taxes had not been paid for a number of years. After a lengthy investigation and threatening her with prison, the IRS discovered she did not know about any of the tax evasion and it was all my dad’s doing. Unfortunately, they could not find him, so they ordered my mom to pay hundreds of thousands of dollars in back taxes. The business was sold and most of what we owned was sold or repossessed. We almost lost our house and my mom had no income from making six figures just days before. She also discovered my dad had taken all that money from the taxes and started his own business with his girlfriend. He was an elder in our church and he told the church that he and my mom were divorcing because she was an alcoholic, which of course wasn’t true, but they all believed him and came to my mom trying to do an intervention.

During this period I would see him periodically. He would bring me large expensive gifts to make up for not being there or not paying his child support. My mom was good about not talking negatively about him even though there was plenty to say. I still knew what was going on for the most part because that sort of thing is hard to hide when it effects your whole life. Over the years we stopped seeing each other, and he would call on Father’s Day each year which was painful because it’s just days after my birthday. When I was in college he started calling me drunk and talking bad about my mom. I finally wrote him a letter and told him I loved him but I wouldn’t be talking to him until he was sober. He and I didn’t talk for five years, during which time he missed my wedding. Finally when I got pregnant with my oldest son I called him to tell him. We had a wonderful conversation and he told me he was sober and had started attending church again. We talked frequently for about a year. He apologized for all he had done. We made plans to go see him in Pennsylvania where he was living. I was able to say all the things I wanted to say. Then one day his sister called and talked to Glenn while I was at work and told him my dad had passed away suddenly. They didn’t do a funeral because he didn’t have any money, so they had cremated him and spread his ashes somewhere and would I pay for the cremation. (You can see that his family was very messed up and that led to some of his issues).

I was sad, but truthfully part of me was also relieved. It had been an emotional rollercoaster and I was glad it was over, if that makes sense. But I was also sad that we never got the chance to have a relationship that I wanted and hoped we could have. At the same time, as a new parent, I was relieved on some level that he wouldn’t have the chance to get to know my precious son. I knew from experience that he was good sometimes but there was also his unreliable nature that I just didn’t quite trust with my child. I know God can redeem those things but I wasn’t ready to trust that just yet as a parent. So, I entered counseling shortly after that for the first time as a adult and tried to deal with his loss the best I could. But as I reflect on it now I think I didn’t really grieve it properly because I didn’t have that proper ceremony. So, I have decided to do that for myself. I decided to write a letter to him about all the good things about him and also all those things I wish I didn’t expereince, the hurts he caused. I will write that letter and then burn it. But there is also one symbolic thing I must do. The dollhouse.

Once I asked my mom why she told me they were getting divorced on my sixth birthday. She told me that they didn’t do that, they would never ruin my day. It was on that day that I realized something was wrong. They weren’t separated yet but they were distant. He spent most of the day inside and not outside where the party was. I got a dollhouse for my big gift at that party. It was unfinished solid wood. He and I started painting it pink but never finished it before he moved out. It has sat unfinished for all these years. I played with it all the time as a child and I said I would someday finish it and give it to my daughter. I never did. I have dragged it around for 35 years and my husband has lovingly stored it in garages and attics, I’m sure wondering when I would just get rid of this heavy thing. Well, I realized that this thing is carrying unfinished emotional business from my dad and it needs to go. I’m letting go of a hope of an earthly relationship with him that will never be. I’m letting go of memories of that day when my world ended. I’m letting go of memories of unfinished tasks and I’m also letting go of the dream of having a daughter to somehow make this thing right with. Lots of emotional stuff in this doll house. But when I let it go I will be letting go of all that and stepping into healing and wholeness. I will be stepping into freedom from pain, loss and anger. I will be getting rid of the albatross around my neck of these complicated relationships both with my dad and my daughter. Neither one lived up to the expectations I had set forth. Both were flawed and hurt from their own messy pasts and caused me pain in the process. BUT, in heaven all that will be no more. They are both whole and I can have that relationship I wanted with them there. For now, I need to let go of things that will never be and pain I’ve been holding on to, so that I can step into the future with an open, healed, heart. So, I will do that hard thing and have that ceremony.

What ceremonies might you need to have in your life? Is there a hurt in your past that needs to be let go of? Choose to let it go with a ceremony that you can mark the end of that pain and the beginning of healing.

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Anonymous

Currently, I’m reading a book called “Anonymous”. It’s about the hidden years of Jesus, which is most of his life. We know nothing about his life from age 12 till age 30. That’s a long time. We can assume he was just doing the carpenter thing with his father, although it would appear his father passed away at some point during those years since he is not mentioned after Jesus begins his ministry. He apparently didn’t do anything particularly notable during that time because no one in his home town had any idea he was the Messiah. So, what was he up to? Why did God allow that time in his life?

Have you ever been in a season like that? One you thought was nothing special? It’s the in between. Maybe you are preparing for something big like marriage, or expecting a baby. Maybe graduation or moving. Maybe you are just a stay at home mom cleaning up poop and dishes (hopefully not at the same time) each day and taking care of young kids. You feel unseen and unimportant. What could this season of anonymity possibly be for?

I find myself in that place. I have been a stay at home mom for 17 years now. I have been homeschooling for the last 8 years but most of my kids started traditional school this week for the first time. I now have two teens and two toddlers at home. My teenagers are self sufficient in doing their schoolwork or are taking college classes online. They are technically homeschooling but require very little from me. So I am left with a one year old and soon to be three year old. It’s a thankless job most days. I am not particularly fond of the toddler years and especially not at 41 lol. I’ve pretty much had a toddler for the last 17 years and wouldn’t mind that season of life to come to an end.

I find myself in an transition. In three years, when my youngest is 4 and starts preschool, I will be starting school myself, grad school. I will be getting my counseling degree. I asked God why he told me that was the plan three years before it happened. That’s very unlike Him. He’s usually a last minute sort of guy. I think it’s for preparation. I am using this time to prepare for the next season of life, just as Jesus did in his unseen years. I am sure he didn’t just walk up to get baptized and start his ministry without thinking it through and doing some preparation. We don’t get to read about that in the Bible but I’m sure it happened. God was preparing his heart for what he was about to do. I find in this season I need to learn to rest. I am not good at sitting still. Go, go, go. Sitting still requires work for me, but it’s vital to be able to sit still a find rest. If you cannot find rest, you cannot heal and prepare.

The last ten years have been full of trials and loss. We as a family need healing from that. We are working through it with counselors and amongst ourselves, but like all things, it takes time. We need time to learn to rest and let grace have it’s perfect work. So many times I think we just plow through a tough season of life and keep going like nothing happened. If we sit still and examine ourselves we might have to deal with the pain. It’s tough. I don’t like counseling. I don’t like dealing with my issues, it hurts. But if I don’t do that then I will carry them with me into the next season of life. I cannot do the work God has for me to do as a counselor if I don’t do the hard work of preparation and healing in this season.

Maybe you find yourself in a season of waiting. Maybe you think there’s nothing good that could come from it. Maybe you are afraid to sit still and rest because you might not like the feelings the you find and have to deal with. I get it. I’m right there too. But if you want to grow into what God has for you in the next season, you must walk through the stuff of this season. You have to do the work and prepare. You have to learn to rest and listen to what He is saying. You have to heal your heart.

Joshua told the people, “Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.” Joshua 3:5

Love lives on

41 years ago today I was placed in the arms of my adoptive mom by my birth mom. It was equal parts love and loss. My mom told me she looked across the room at my birth mom and felt the pain at the same time she was feeling the joy. I had a very similar experience with Josh’s birth mom. Even though both birth moms had their challenges, I believe they both loved their babies and wanted the best for them. And family around them convinced them of the best path being adoption and I’m forever grateful for that choice for both of us.

As I reflect on today, a day we called family day growing up, a thought comes to mind that I realized recently. I was thinking about my mom, and how she passed on to heaven three years ago. At first I felt like the word “orphan” defined this period of my life. With both my parents no longer with me, that is how it felt. However, recently I realized that just because my daughter has passed on does not make me any less of her mother. The same is with my mom. I am no less a daughter to her just because she is in heaven because her memory lives on in me. I also realized that I can still love her and still be in a relationship with her even though she’s not here. Now don’t loose me here. I’m not talking about anything weird, I just mean love doesn’t end just because you aren’t with a person anymore. Think about it this way. Let’s say a loved one or friend goes on an extended trip. Do you stop loving them or being their friend just because they are gone? No. You continue that relationship even if you cannot talk with them. That relationship lives on in you. You are forever connected. And when you see that person again it’s just as if they never left, in most cases. It might even be that the relationship is stronger because of having been apart and both people realizing how much they really missed one another and mean to each other. Hurts might have been forgiven and love may have grown. So it is with those in heaven.

Maybe your loved one or friend passed away and you never got to say things you wanted to say to them. Maybe you weren’t on the best terms. Maybe you had unresolved things. I have found, after experiencing many losses, that you will inevitably have unresolved things with people who pass away particularly those you were close to. It’s just how it is with human relationships. There are things left unsaid or undone. After my mom passed I realized I had some things I wanted to say but never got the chance. So, I went to her grave and I talked. I realized that she probably couldn’t hear me but I needed to say them for myself. I have done the same with my daughter and my dad. Relationships are complicated and none are perfect and if you live with regret of unsaid things I would encourage you to write your loved one a letter or go to their grave and talk to them. It really helps.

I thought that was it. I thought the relationship had to be exactly where we left it when they passed until I saw them again in heaven, but it’s not true. It’s not true because I can change. I can evolve my feelings and grow in my relationship with them as I wait to see them again, just like I would if there were just gone on a trip.

Love lives on in me for them, and love lives on in heaven with them. They are still my mom, dad, and daughter even though they are in heaven. Now don’t freak out on me about theology, I realize some people believe we won’t have relationship like mom/daughter in heaven. I won’t argue that with you if that’s what you believe because frankly I don’t know enough to really argue the point. I have not been to seminary, but I happen to believe that we will know each other and be connected in relationship as we were here in some way. So, when I get to heaven I will see my mom and we will know and love each other and continue our relationship there for eternity, but it’ll be better because there is no sin, so there is no pain or tears. No arguing or hurt feelings. Just love. Perfect love. I think that is how they see me now. Mom doesn’t see unsaid words or hurt feelings, she only sees love. So when she sees me she will see love, and all the regrets I may have will be forgotten. So, I should live as though they are forgotten here. Living with regret is only hurtful to me because all is forgiven in heaven.

I don’t know if that makes sense. To me it was a huge revelation. I have many regrets with my daughter in particular. We have a very difficult relationship because of her past and mine. We never got to that loving mom/daughter bond I wanted and of course I have regrets. Was there anything else we could have done? But you know what? It doesn’t matter anymore. She is made whole and has no pain or regret. She sees me only through love. When we meet again all will be resurrected and there will be only perfect love. I don’t have to live with regret here because I can move forward knowing all is made new and I can continue to have that relationship with her now, while I’m here, looking forward to the day when we will meet again. I hope this helps others. I know there are others out there holding hurt and regret from loved ones who have passed on. Let it go. In heaven there is only love.

What if

About a month ago I went to a regular checkup at my doctor. I waited for a long time because the doctor was running late. I didn’t mind. I had no kids with me and I had a book, I could’ve sat there all day. I had no idea what was coming. It’s funny how you have those moments looking back. The moments before the moment that changed things. You aren’t thinking about anything, everything is fine and then BAM things change. You get a call that there has been an accident and your loved one is in the hospital, you watch the news and a pandemic is quickly shutting everything down, or you sit in a doctor’s office and they say, “there’s something suspicious, we need a biopsy, it’s probably nothing but it could be….”

I’ve had all those moments in the last year or so, but most recently at the doctor they found something. The doctor was talking to me and saying things but, I couldn’t hear. All I was hearing was my mind racing and fear gripping me. I expected to go in there and everything would be fine, check that off my to do list, but then it wasn’t. I went back the next week for a biopsy and then I waited…and waited,… and waited for what felt like an eternity. All the while I wish I could say I was praying and had tons of peace and didn’t worry at all, but that would be a lie. At first I consulted Dr. Google, always a dangerous thing. I was convinced I had cancer and the outcome would be terrible. I did okay during the day, being rational and praying and finding peace, but those hours I was up during the night, feeding my 11 month old and freaking out. How could I go through cancer treatment when I barely have time to shower most days? Would this break us financially? Would I leave my family without a wife and mom? So many questions that loop in your mind at 3am.

During that week I went to church and of course I had my pastor pray for me. Some very lovely surrogate moms that I love with all my heart, gathered around me and prayed and loved me. I felt so much better. I had peace that no matter what it would be okay and God has this in His hand. But I still had moments. Moments when I let fear get the better of me. I’m a fixer by nature and I’ve learned to advocate (aka annoy the mess out of) with doctors for my special needs kids. So that’s what I did. I sent a million messages to my doctor’s office until they finally felt sorry for me (or got ticked off) and called me to say everything was fine. No cancer. Obviously it was a huge relief. Then I started to ask myself why did God allow this in my life? Was He trying to teach me something?

I was listening to a podcast recently and the pastor was saying that often we blame things on God that He had nothing to do with. It was Satan who was to blame. It got me thinking. Just a couple weeks before this happened I had finally, after much prayer and thought, decided to go back to grad school and get my degree in counseling. I won’t start for three years, Gavin needs to get a bit older, but it’s what I think God is calling me to. I find it curious that I had no sooner decided that then this whole cancer scare happens. Was Satan trying to derail me? I don’t know, but I can say that the experience gave me clarity. One of my first thoughts when I thought I might have cancer was that I might not be able to be a counselor and that made me sad. God was using this to give me clarity and show me I was headed in the right direction. My own counselor pointed out that it can also give me some understanding of what people who face a real cancer diagnosis might go through if I ever came across someone facing that in my counseling practice. There is much to be learned from this experience.

Are there experiences, things you wish had never happened, times you wonder why God is allowing something or what He’s up to? When you come to the hard left turns of life, those moments you don’t see coming that change everything, ask yourself what God might be trying to say? Is he using this moment to teach you something or clarify a calling in your life? Sometimes you cannot make sense of a situation and you may never understand and that’s okay. We all have those times in our lives. But there are moments when in the chaos of something unexpected we can whisper to God “what are you trying to say through this?” And you just might get an answer.

Approved

I came across something curious recently in Bible study. It’s this verse:

Luke 3:21-22

After all the people were baptized, Jesus was baptized. As he was praying, the sky opened up and the Holy Spirit, like a dove descending, came down on him. And along with the Spirit, a voice: “You are my Son, chosen and marked by my love, pride of my life.”

It’s the account of Jesus being baptized. The story is that John the Baptist was out baptizing people and telling people he was not the Messiah they were waiting for but that He was coming soon. Jesus gets at the back of the line to be baptized. After it’s over the Holy Spirit literally comes down and lands on him in the form of a dove and God speaks audibly and says: “you’re my kid and I love you and I’m proud of you”. It’s the beginning of Jesus’ ministry. So far his life was not very interesting. He was a carpenter from a small town, and not a very notable small town either. He had done nothing worthy of praise in the eyes of men. In fact, he was a child of scandalous origins since Mary claimed to be a virgin and got pregnant before getting married. Everyone saw him as a fatherless child or a child of questionable heritage who Joseph, Mary’s husband and the man who was acting as Jesus’ father, had agreed to raise and not ask questions. The whole thing was very questionable. Jesus was probably somewhat an outcast in his social circles. So, he goes to get baptized and people are probably thinking “well good because he could certainly use some sanctification from those origins”.

Then a crazy thing happens. A dove comes down and lands on his shoulder. Interestingly the dove is a symbol of peace and purification in the bible. People used doves as a sacrifice to purify themselves of sin. A dove was used to find land and salvation for Noah. The Holy Spirit took a form of a dove perhaps saying that Jesus was pure and was to be our sacrifice as a type and shadow.

Then God says to Jesus “You are my Son, chosen and marked by my love, pride of my life”.

That whole phrase is very interesting. First because after that the Bible goes on to give Jesus’s lineage and show how he is God’s son. God is telling everyone that Jesus is His son. There is no scandal about him. God claims him. Then God goes on to say how proud He is of Jesus and that he loves him. This is interesting because to this point Jesus hasn’t begun his ministry. He has done nothing really. No miracles, no disciples, but God is proud. God is proud of WHO he is not what he DOES.

Why would God choose to tell Jesus this? Does Jesus need to hear it? God knows Jesus is just beginning his ministry and will be tested. He knows he will be dealing with haters and people saying all kinds of things about him and Jesus needs to hear He is proud. Maybe. I think it’s there for us. I think God wants us to know He is proud of us because we are His children. It’s not about what we DO but WHO we are. He is pleased with us. We are his sons and daughters and nothing we do or don’t do can change that fact. We don’t have to do anything to convince God to love us or gain HIs approval. He loves to no matter what.

Secular or ministry?

Modern Christianity has this idea that there is a hierarchy of vocations in the world. There are missionaries, ministers and the rest of us. It’s a shame because you don’t see that in the bible. God calls all sorts of people to do all sorts of things and doesn’t say one is more valuable than the other. I think it leads to guilt in people who aren’t missionaries or ministers that maybe we are second rate Christians or not doing enough for God or maybe we are ignoring God’s calling on our lives. It’s so untrue. God places each one of us in certain situations and places in life for His purpose and we cannot know what that is most of the time. I think it also leads to everyone who is not called to be a missionary or minister to feel as though they are off the hook for ministering to God’s people which is also not true. God has something for each of us to do. It might be something we humans see as “big” like starting a worldwide ministry or “small” like cleaning toilets but God doesn’t see things in these categories, that’s a made up human thing. We are all needed in the body of Christ whether you have a very public “seen” job or a “unseen” job. None could function without the others. We gotta stop categorizing jobs and callings in Christianity. Let me tell you about my own life as an example.

Growing up I always felt like I would be a counselor. I went to school and got a degree in psychology and met my husband who was getting a degree in Spanish. His direction in life, he felt at the time, was to be a missionary in Mexico so studying Spanish seemed logical. When we met I knew we were called to be together and he was my person but the calling of missionary wasn’t something I had ever considered. I prayed and God assured me He had a plan and just to trust. We both graduated and continued working at our families florist. We knew he needed to make more money to support us as we pursued missionary training and he needed summers off so we decided he would go get his teaching certificate to teach Spanish. Before I made my application to graduate school to pursue counseling we found out we were expecting our first baby. Shortly before I had Sam we met with the elders and ministers at our church to discuss our desire to go on the mission field that summer. It was then we got an answer we didn’t expect. No. They felt like it wasn’t the right time for us. We were shocked by that but we spent a long time in prayer and discovered it was what God was saying. They asked Glenn if he could do anything else what would it be and he said to get his masters degree and teach Spanish in college. So, he applied to grad school while we tried to figure out what God was up to.

Having to tell people around us that we decided not to pursue being missionaries was very difficult. It wasn’t well received. We felt shame and guilt over what people thought because we believed and had been taught that not being a missionary was somehow less valuable to God. Maybe He didn’t think we were ready or able to do it so maybe He had demoted us. Now I was “just” a stay at home mom and Glenn was “just” a Spanish teacher who was pursuing a secular masters degree (horrors). We felt judged and it wasn’t comfortable. We judged ourselves as well. Were we taking the easy way out? We felt certain we were doing what God was leading us to but how could He lead you away from being a missionary? Wasn’t that the calling for all good Christians?

Years went by and now we find ourselves looking back on things. Since that time we can see where God was leading us each step to where we are. There have certainly been hard times and God has led us through and continues to, but I can see that our life here, doing what we are doing is what we are called to and what God has for us in this moment. We have had seven beautiful boys and I have had the privilege to be at home with. Glenn has gone from being a teacher to an administrator to now, as of a few months ago, being an executive director at his school. That’s not a place we would have ever expected. We have done various ministries at our church from youth pastors, to prayer team to nursery. We have adopted two special needs kids. What I know now is that every single thing we have done has been what God has called us to. All of it. And all of it is important and none greater than the rest. Glenn has such a mission to those families and teachers he serves at his school. I can’t imagine a larger platform for people to see God through someone than his job. I joke and say he’s a secular pastor because it’s his responsibility to care for those people at his school every day and their families and he takes that calling very seriously.

I have no idea what the future holds. We are praying about many things and what God would have us to do next but whatever it is, it is important whether big or small. Please, please hear that whatever you are doing and wherever you are, if you are listening and obeying God, you are on a mission. You are where God wants you to be, doing something really important for him. There are no top tier jobs in God’s kingdom. If God calls you to something unexpected that isn’t what others deem valuable, ignore them. They aren’t God. Only He can say what is your calling. Be brave and step out into whatever He is calling you to.

“In this way we are like the various parts of a human body. Each part gets its meaning from the body as a whole, not the other way around. The body we’re talking about is Christ’s body of chosen people. Each of us finds our meaning and function as a part of his body. But as a chopped-off finger or cut-off toe we wouldn’t amount to much, would we? So since we find ourselves fashioned into all these excellently formed and marvelously functioning parts in Christ’s body, let’s just go ahead and be what we were made to be, without enviously or pridefully comparing ourselves with each other, or trying to be something we aren’t.

6-8 If you preach, just preach God’s Message, nothing else; if you help, just help, don’t take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don’t get bossy; if you’re put in charge, don’t manipulate; if you’re called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don’t let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face.”

Romans 12:4-8

I love this passage in Romans about us all being part of one body. Don’t try to be something you aren’t.

Rejoice

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep” Romans 12:15

This is one of my favorite verses, which I think I’ve mentioned before. It’s a hard one to actually do and it challenges me. I honestly don’t know which is harder the weeping with others or the rejoicing. You would think it would be the weeping but I’m not sure. The weeping is hard because no one wants to be sad and our culture is very uncomfortable with “negative” emotions: saddness, anger, etc. But the rejoicing is also hard. People like to be happy and you would probably say it’s easy to be happy for people but only in certain circumstances.

Everyone can be happy for someone whose cancer is in remission because we all agree that no one should have cancer. It’s easy to be happy for someone when they avoid pain like that, but what about when they get something you wanted? What about when they get something you don’t think they deserved? ouch

Your friend gets a new house and you have been saving and praying for a new house but it’s just not possible financially.

Your coworker gets the promotion you thought you should get.

Someone has an unplanned pregnancy and you are going through fertility treatments.

Someone does the hard work to get themselves to a better place physically and you wish you could do that but you don’t have time or whatever.

Someone gets married and you are still looking for that perfect person.

So many times we face situations where we hope and pray for something for so long but someone else gets it. It’s hard! Those are the times it’s so hard to be happy for someone.

What about when someone has been unkind or just plain annoying and gets something you wanted. That’s hard!

In the bible there is the story of Joseph. Not Jesus’s earthly dad Joseph, but the one with all the brothers and the coat. Joseph had a bunch of brothers and he was the youngest. His father loved him more than the others and they knew it and Joseph made bad reports to his father about his brothers. He also told them all he had dreams that they would all bow down to him. Sounds like an obnoxious younger brother tattle tale to me. They were so jealous of him and annoyed by him that they plotted to kill him but instead sold him to their enemies as a slave. Yikes! That’s some serious sibling rivalry. In the end he was appointed overseer over Egypt and saved his whole country from famine but they, of course, couldn’t see that at the time.

It would be hard to like someone like that. Of course God had plans that they couldn’t understand. He was working to benefit them all but all they saw was jealousy and his bad attitude.

Most of the time when I find it hard to be happy for someone else and rejoice with them, it’s because of jealousy or pride. I think either I deserved what they have or maybe they didn’t deserve it. It’s a dangerous idea to think you deserve something because in reality we are sinful people and we don’t want what we really deserve. But sometimes in my pride I think I have been pretty good lately and deserve something. It’s how the world works but not how God works. God hates pride and jealousy. Sometimes I think God gives others blessings around us for their benefit but also to see how we will react and point out our pride to us.

I want to be the kind of person who is genuinely happy for those around me who get blessings that I may have wanted ,in the same way I wanted to be the kind of person who is willing to step into grief with someone who is grieving and be uncomfortable.

It’s okay to cry

In a recent counseling session my counselor was asking me why I hold back emotion. Glenn and I both do, he noticed. I thought about why I do this. I have never liked for people to see me cry. I don’t think I grew up having it modeled for me. People in my parents generation tended to keep emotions under wraps I think. I started thinking about what it must have been like for my mom growing up in the 40s and 50s and being a single woman who was getting a college education, the first in her family, and then went on to get a Masters degree. It wasn’t the norm for woman in that time period. She was going against the norm of getting married and having a family. It was a man’s world in the workplace and academia, so she had to act like a man to survive. In that time period that meant not showing emotions. That was “being strong” and “taking it on the chin”. I do remember showing some emotion with her in private though. One particular time stands out in my mind. My dad and mom got divorced in 1986, when I was 6 years old. It was a particularly nasty divorce with so much pain and heartache for us both. She wisely got herself and I both into counseling, something that changed my life because it taught me to seek help for my mental health at a young age. I don’t remember talking about the divorce much but I have a memory of she and I hugging and just crying one day. We didn’t need to say anything, tears are all that was needed.

The challenge for me now as a woman is the question of how to be “strong” and yet show emotion. We are finding that our kids are struggling because they have emotions about all the trauma we have been through as a family for really the past 8 years or so but they think they cannot show that emotion because we don’t. Glenn and I were talking about it and I think we have for all those years tried really hard to keep things emotionally stable and in doing so that meant not showing any emotions. Our daughter came to us with deep hurts and trauma and she also had limited ability to understand the world or express herself with words. So, being developmentally about a year old, she threw tantrums. Not little ones either, big ones from a large person. If you’ve never lived through this you cannot imagine. It’s traumatizing to live with on a daily basis. You never know if you would get happy emotions or sad or angry ones. We learned that it was a bit like a rollercoaster and the higher the highs, the lower the lows. We found the more excited she was then the larger tantrum she would have later, so we learned to keep her stable. Nothing too exciting, so that we wouldn’t get too much anger later. We still have to maintain some of that with our son Josh. That leads to a rather flat emotional existence for a parent. You are afraid to get too excited or happy so as to avoid the negative emotions. You learn to put a governor on yourself, but you become emotionless.

We are practicing emotions for ourselves now. Allowing ourselves to cry or get angry so that we can also experience joy and excitement. I think Christianity also sometimes says you should not acknowledge your “negative” emotions. It’s not spiritual to get angry, the Bible says you shouldn’t, right? (it actually doesn’t, it says get angry and don’t sin, not that we shouldn’t feel anger at times) People are uncomfortable with negative emotions. Just go through a loss in your life and you will run up against people who say all kinds of dismissive stuff and encourage you to “get over it”, if you grieve too much for too long. One of my absolute favorite verses in the bible is “weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice”. The bible is saying we need to feel both emotions, not dismiss either one. And we need to sit with other people in their grief and just cry with them and when they are joyful we need to be joyful too. Frankly I’m not sure which is easier. For myself and my family, we are working on showing emotions more, both happy and sad, angry and joyful, but hopefully less indifferent, which is the real opposite of anger. I don’t want to be someone who feels nothing anymore, it’s not helping myself or anyone else.

It’s been a while…

So much has happened since I wrote consistently on this blog. The whole world shut down with Covid and in our personal life we experienced the tragic death of our daughter April 24, 2020. I feel like the fog is slowly lifting on both Covid and our grief. Grief is not something you ever fully “get over”, you just learn to carry it with you and over time it becomes lighter. One year later, we find ourselves coming out of the initial shock and pain and now find ourselves asking the question, “where do we go from here?” I find that between these two life altering events I’m not really sure who I am anymore. I think this pandemic has changed us all in various ways. Stuff I found normal a year ago no longer is. Riding in an elevator with strangers, eating at a buffet and even just going to the doctor’s office are all anxiety producing events now and they didn’t used to be. Added to that losing our only daughter in such a shocking and tragic way, I can’t go back to how it was before. There is life before 2020 and now there is life after.

Grief is one of those things that you think you have a handle on and then something sneaks up on you. Recently it was going to Carowinds (our local amusement park). Two summers ago we went to Carowinds frequently with our kids. On each visit, we would go to the water park and our daughter would want to swim which required me changing her in the bathroom nearby. She wasn’t potty trained and she was 17, so you can imagine what it all entailed to prepare for swimming. The other day we went back to Carowinds and I casually went into that same bathroom not even thinking about it until it hit me. I walked in and looked around and I was instantly hit with memories. I don’t think I will ever get to the place where those moments don’t happen, but now I’ve learned to pause and let the emotion wash over me and move forward.

I have found this past month to be harder than I would have expected. The final court date for the criminal trial involving our daughter’s death and also mothers day and my birthday all happened within a month. Added to that was my mom’s anniversary of her passing. It’s been emotionally trying. I was so ready for the court case to be over but at the same time now that it’s over, it feels like we are moving forward and that is hard. You feel guilty, when you have lost someone, to move forward with your life. I know it doesn’t help us to stay stagnant, it doesn’t honor Kaki’s memory and it’s not what the boys need, but it feels bad to move on. You look around and try to start making meaning of what has happened. What can we learn from this? Honestly, I still don’t see any meaning in any of it. Maybe in time. I know God can bring good from tragedy, but I can’t see it yet. I spent the Saturday before Mother’s Day visiting gravesides; my mom, my daughter, my uncle and my “other” mom. They are all together in one cemetery. It’s not supposed to be like that. I don’t like that I now have to “make rounds” at the cemetery because so many loved ones are there. I can’t wait to get to heaven and see all those people again. The more people we lose, the sweeter heaven gets.

I find that I don’t really know who I am anymore. I started counseling again because I need to work through this. When the dust settles on loss, it’s disorienting. My boys have struggled in different ways with the loss of their sister and it’s hard to watch. I wonder why God is allowing it. I know we will all grow and change for the better, but growing hurts. I look back and some of my Facebook posts last year and I realize how angry I was. The whole world was going crazy so there was lots to be frustrated about but this was deeper. Anger is always apart of grief and it has been a big part of mine. I feel like I’ve worked through most of that now. Anger isolates you. It seeks to push others away so you can avoid being hurt. I tend towards running away and isolation when I’m hurting and during a pandemic that is certainly easy to do. Now I have to fight anxiety to get back into the real world. Going back out in public was very challenging for me. I know it’s what I need to do but I rather like my little bubble. Having anxiety before the pandemic makes it all the worse now, I think. So many people are dealing with anxiety and depression now from being isolated and seeing all the news articles about the world coming to an end. And so many people lost loves ones due to this virus, it’s no wonder we are all anxious and depressed. But we don’t have to stay here. We can move forward. We can seek help and get back to life. It’s never going to be the world it was before 2020 but it can be a new and better life. I am doing the hard work of counseling and forcing myself to step outside of what is comfortable, challenging my old thought processes and boldly envisioning what the future could be.

They’re growing up

The past two weeks with our daughter having moved out and our oldest son, Sam, in Brazil for a month has made me realize something, they’re growing up. We are quickly entering another phase of life when our children leave the house. Not that Sam will be moving out soon, but when he comes home he will be different. He will have grown up some on this trip and will soon after be getting is license and started classes at CPCC in the fall. He’s not going to be the same kid we have had for the last 16 years. And college and moving out are not far away. And his younger brothers are right behind.

It all hit me the other day when I was changing the sheets on his bed and missing him like crazy. It’s all changing very quickly and I’m just not ready for it. When you have babies and toddlers still in the house you think your kids will live with you forever, but it’s just not the case. It all happens so quickly, one day they are in diapers and you think it will never end and then the next they are leaving for a foreign country for a month and registering to take the ACT.

As I inch closer to 40 this year I realize how quickly time goes and it really makes me contemplate how I spend my time. I’ve been thinking about how to slow down more and spend time on the stuff that really matters. These 18 or so years I have with each kid, did I do what I set out to do with them? Did I make lifelong memories that were good and did I teach them everything I wanted to for them to be successful adults? I’m learning that looks different for each child but it all takes time. Time is the only thing I cannot add to or take away. We all have 24 hours each day. How do we spend that time? If we say yes to one thing, we are saying no to something else and vice versa. When you are bogged down in raising kids it’s hard to see that. Everyday feels the same and like it will never end sometimes. Endless laundry and diapers and soccer practices. But within a blink it’s all over and your kid is headed out the door to adulthood. This really started to hit me when Sam hit high school but now that he is halfway through it is even more real. We went to Disney this summer and to Miami. It was the best trip we have ever had. We all really enjoyed it but we almost didn’t go. Our daughter was just starting to really struggle right before we left and we had an 8 month old. It seemed like a bad time, but we pushed through and I’m so glad we did. It’s not just about going on big trips and things, but also the day to day. Having a family with lots of needs makes me want to just stay in the house all the time, it’s just easier. But if we want to make memories with our older kids we can’t do that, we just have to push through.

I want to make each minute count, but that means making margin in my life for those special moments. I can’t be running around crazy all the time and expect to have time to stop and just take a special moment with my kids. I have to allow down time for unexpected moments. I don’t want to fill up every minute even if it’s with “good” things. There are many good things, but I have to pick and choose. Sometimes I have to say no to a good thing in favor of a movie night at home with the kids. Or a walk around the block or a meaningful talk. Those are the best things!