Happy Birthday Kaki!

Happy Birthday Kaki! I can’t believe you are 17 already. I’m not going to pretend things aren’t difficult right now. I wished so much more for you when we brought you home than we are currently seeing. I look back at these pictures of you in Hong Kong and when we first brought you home and see how much you have declined recently and it breaks my heart. I don’t understand why. We have tried so hard to find answers for you, to help you, but the doctors don’t know what is wrong any more than we do. I KNOW God is doing something. I KNOW he has his hand on you. I KNOW he has a plan. But right now I cannot see it and I’m sad and frustrated. I want so much more for you. Adoption is supposed to be a happy picture but it isn’t always. It’s trauma and loss, and for reasons we don’t understand, you have declined. I wish you could tell us. I wish we could know what you are thinking. We have anguished and prayed and cried and begged. We have come to the conclusion, and God has led us in the direction, of placing you in an alternative family setting with just you and a caregiver. I pray that this is what is best for you. I pray you will find more peace and will improve, but I don’t know for sure, and that is hard. I don’t want you to think we have abandoned you, we will be there to visit often. We are doing this because we are hoping it’s the answer to your issues. Please know how difficult this decision was for us. We will grieve, and already do, the life we wanted with you. I don’t know why we are in this place right now, but I pray we will grow and learn from our experience. I pray we can help someone else who is going through something similar, although I pray we are the only ones. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone, but I’m not naive enough to think it hasn’t happened to other people.

Sometimes love is letting go. Sometimes love is sacrificing what you wanted for the sake of someone else. Sometimes love is accepting that your perfect picture will never be. We accept you as you are, but we want more for you and we hope there is more. The doctors are not optimistic right now and that is very hard, but we keep hope alive. I hope you realize how much your dad and I love you. We would do anything for you. We have been through so much together and today I’m going to hold on to the good moments. That moment we first saw you, playing football with your brothers, the way you love balloons and ice cream. I pray for more moments like those, they have been absent lately. I pray for a bright future. I realize that we may not see that here on earth but I KNOW we will in heaven and that is what keeps me going, that is what gets me through.

Happy Birthday Precious Child of the Most High God!

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