In our situation with Kaki my default is to push things forward as fast as I can and get relief from the terrible place we are in right now. My humaness wants out, now! I don’t like pain and difficulty, who does? But recently, in my reading and study, the question was asked of me, ‘what are you hearing from God’?
First off, I know God is leading us in the direction we are walking with Kaki. It is not the direction I ever wanted but it’s where He is leading. When we adopted her I had visions of us keeping her in our house forever. And then when she came home and she struggled so much that first year I thought, well if we can just make it till she’s 22 and out of high school then she can go live in a house with some other kids like her and be happy. But then this summer when her behavior and health deteriorated, and I wasn’t sure what to do, God opened the doors for us to get the Innovations Waiver and get her into an Alternative Family Living arrangement, which is a home with caregivers with one or two residents, I struggled with it at first. It’s not how I wanted it. It’s not what I had in mind. In the US, most kids live with their parents till age 18 or beyond. It’s not “normal” for kids to move out at 17, or more to the point, for parents to kick their kids out at age 17 for them to go live in someone else’s home. It’s just not the way of things, but it’s what is happening with us and we struggle with that. We struggle with feeling like failures as parents. So, the other day I was lamenting all that and God spoke to me. He said, “I’m doing something in Kakis life and it’s not about you, get out of the way and let me work”. It’s not about my feelings, it’s not about what I want or dreamed of, it’s not about me, it’s about what God is up to. He’s up to something, and that something will be for her good in the end. I am assured of that and I have surrendered her to Him. It’s His job to figure out where is best for her to be and not me. It’s not about what I want. That’s a hard place to be in for me, but also easy. It’s hard for me to surrender, I like to control things. I’m used to making things happen and getting what I want, if I’m honest. My mom taught me to be a strong woman and never give up. So, to step away and let God lead this thing is not my nature. I am also giving up my dreams of having a daughter and all that looks like on Pinterest. Tea parties and dresses and whatnot. None of that is what she is capable of or wants and that’s hard. But God has something better. That’s the easy part. He is in charge of finding her the right place and opening the doors, I just have to patiently wait. (not easy for me).
The second thing I’m hearing deals with the patiently waiting that I hate doing. God has been telling me that I have to sit in the place of waiting until he opens the doors. If I get myself out of the waiting too quickly I won’t learn the lessons and I’ll make things harder for myself. Case in point is Abraham. God told him he would give him a son, Abraham believed God but got tired of waiting and went off to make things happen for himself with his wife’s maid. They had a son and it messed things up royally. If he’d just waited for God, things would have been easier. God makes people wait until they are ready for things. This time of preparation we are in is necessary. He is preparing us for something better and greater. There is loss, there is pain, but in the end he will bring new life and new opportunities.
I’m hearing these things, but will I choose to listen. It’s a daily process. I’m writing this now more as a reminder to myself then for the purpose of other people reading it. I need to remember what He has said in the dark moments of doubt and despair.