I googled the title of this blog this morning. I’m sitting at home pondering this idea. How do you forgive someone who you have to live with who continues to hurt you? So many of us have to live in situations with someone who has hurt us and continues to do so whether they do that because they don’t realize they are being hurtful or maybe they do. I guess the first obvious question is why should we forgive at all?
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26 “In your anger do not sin”[d]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold.
I heard a bit on the radio the other day about this verse. The preacher was speaking about not giving the devil a foothold by forgiving those who have hurt you. That is why we have to forgive. It’s good for the other person, but frankly they may never know we have forgiven them and it won’t effect them. We need to forgive because it frees us. When we harbor resentment and anger towards someone it’s because of unforgiveness, usually. I’ll fully admit I am struggling with this right now with my daughter. It’s been five years of hurt, but particularly the last few months of just her constant hatefulness towards me is wearing on me and I don’t have the best attitude towards her all the time right now. I know I need to forgive, but that’s hard when it’s a constant dripping of pain. She is continuously spitting, hitting and being hateful to me and really all of us right now. I know in my head it’s not my fault, but when she is happy with others it certainly feels that way.
I read an article on how to forgive and the author said one reason we don’t forgive is to put a wall up between us and the person who has hurt us so as to protect ourselves from further hurt. Bingo. Exactly my issue, I’m sure. We all have previous hurts in our lives but I have quite a few I struggle with from my childhood and young adult years. Those hurts make it hard for me to trust people and I will throw up a wall quickly if I sense I’m about to get hurt. I think it’s fairly common amongst people, particularly those with deep childhood hurts. It’s also a product of loss of the past few years, there has been a lot of it lately and some really big painful ones, and this is just more of that. It’s loss of what I wanted it to be and it feels like failure right now. I can’t understand why Kaki is so angry right now and it’s terribly frustrating for us, and for her I’m sure. I try so hard to be empathetic with her but my flesh is tired and gets in my way and I just get angry. And that’s where the devil can get a foothold.
So how do I deal with it? I know I can’t let that happen, but man I don’t know how to keep it from happening. Glenn and I were discussing this. Our house feels like a war zone lately with her constant lashing out. I have prayed peace and calm over this house and her, and continue to do so, but in the meantime…. I know God is working something in all this, or I have to trust He is. I cannot see a good end frankly, or not the end I wanted. I don’t see the point in the suffering and that’s hard. I feel like Paul on the ship in the storm. The boat is breaking apart and we are just trying to hold on for a rescue. Unfortunately I know enough Bible to know God generally lets things get really ugly before they get better, and honestly that’s what I’m afraid of. I don’t doubt He has a plan but am I going to like that plan? It’s not my plan I can tell you, cuz we past that exit a while back on the road to the land of this really stinks, lol.
I find myself coping by doing things I can control. I clean and organize stuff. I bake. I do things I know I can control the outcome and they come out looking all pretty as a Pintrest page. It’s masking the real issues though. The real issue is me letting go. I gotta let go of this situation. I gotta let go of the outcome I wanted. I gotta let go of trying to fix it. I gotta let go of control.
I don’t like that. I don’t do that well. Who does really?
Why is it so hard? Because I don’t trust God enough? Probably. I’m a spoiled child who wants things my way and I think maybe God doesn’t understand the situation fully and I should enlighten Him. lol
It just all comes down to letting go. Really letting go. Not saying I am, cuz that’s easy, but actually doing it, every minute, every second. Letting go. Forgiving, because I have no other choices and there’s no reason not to anymore because I’m not trying to control this thing. I have no control over what she does or doesn’t do, that is God’s problem. She is God’s child and his to deal with. Not my circle. I can rest and stop striving and stop trying to figure out a way out of this mess. He will provide in his time. I gotta keep reminding myself because it’s SO HARD.