Pressed but not crushed

I’ve been silent for a while now. There are reasons for that. We’ve been through a storm in our lives that we didn’t expect. I guess you never really expect storms but some you can see coming on the horizon and others sneak up on you. Last year at this time we were pregnant, due in February and in just a short month from now on September 29, 2016 we lost our sweet Andrew. He was stillborn. It was the most difficult thing we have ever been through. We thought we might not survive, but we did. Day by day. Finally early this year we decided we were ready to try again. Six months went by and no pregnancy. We went to the doctor and never expected what they would tell us. They said we had a 2% chance of ever getting pregnant again. We were shocked and sad. We didn’t expect that news. A couple months went by and we began to accept that news and be comfortable with this closed door in our lives and move forward with the six kids we have here on earth. Then in June I was late. I figured it was just stress or something, or getting older. But as the days went by I figured I should at least rule out pregnancy so I took a test and was completely shocked when it was positive. I called the doctor right away and they had us come in for a blood test because I really didn’t believe it. It was at that appointment the next day we learned that the numbers weren’t as high as they would like and things weren’t looking great. We didn’t tell anyone we were pregnant, we wanted to wait until we got some good news to be able to tell people. No one wants to say, “hey, we are pregnant, but….” So days turned into weeks and the news was up and down. Finally when I was 8 weeks pregnant we found out for sure the pregnancy wasn’t going to turn out as we had hoped. We told our family what was going on and  waited to miscarry. After two weeks of waiting and nothing happening, the doctor decided it was time to take some medication to help the process along. And now it’s been two more weeks since then and it’s finally over. We were pregnant for 11 weeks total. It has been a very difficult up and down journey of hope and disappointment. We never told anyone but our immediate family. It was just too hard. To be honest I felt like I had to keep up appearances. I felt like I had to act like a good christian and not fall apart through all this and I wasn’t sure I could if people were constantly asking me how I was doing. It was self imposed pressure, but it’s how I felt. So many people were watching us walk through loosing Andrew and so complementary about how we handled it, but it’s hard to walk through difficult times in front of a crowd. Sometimes it’s just easier to do it alone. Not really how God intends us to live life, I realize. I would do it differently if I could do it over again.

At first I felt jerked around and a little angry about all this. Why would God allow us to get pregnant, when the doctor had said it wouldn’t happen, only then have us go through a miscarriage again? What was the point? Just more heartache. But what I have learned is that God does have a purpose and even though this pregnancy didn’t work out as I wanted it to, it was no less a miracle. We only had a 2% chance of getting pregnant but we did. Then at 6 weeks we found out it was twins. I don’t have a percentage on the likelihood that I would get pregnant with twins but it’s very small. All that is a miracle and it has taught me that it does not matter what the doctor’s tell you, God has the final say. He wanted us to go through this for a reason. I think that reason is to show us He alone is in control and there is always Hope. Even when the doctor says there is no hope, there is. Even when those around you say there is not hope, there is. There is always hope. It is your choice whether you walk in it or not.

We are healing physically and emotionally. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard especially as we come up on the first anniversary of the loss of our son Andrew, but we are ok. We are putting on foot in front of the other and we just keep walking. That’s really the only choice you have if you want to survive. The verse above is 2 Corinthians 4:8 “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ” I have read this verse so many times and thought it was a promise that God would not give you something that was so hard it was destroy you but I don’t think that is what it means. I think it’s Paul trying to encourage himself. It’s a declaration in hard times. That I will be hard pressed on every side but not crushed! I will be perplexed but not despair! I will be persecuted but I am never abandoned! I will be struck down but not destroyed! It’s a choice. I must declare it and walk in it. Hard stuff is going to come but it’s my choice how I respond. There is no promise that God will not give me more than I can handle, that is a verse people took out of context. I can tell you He will give you more that you can handle, because if it didn’t you would never realize your need for Him.


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