Most of the time on Thursdays I find myself in a bad mood. It took me a while to realize why that is. It finally hit me, Andrew was born on a Thursday. This grief thing takes me a while to realize sometimes. Like when I can’t remember anything, I finally realize that it’s grief. My counselor said I would have a hard time remembering things. I wonder what it is about grief that makes you do that? Maybe it’s because your mind knows you need to be only in the present right now as you grieve. You don’t need to remember the past hurts and pain, and you don’t need to imagine what the future might be like. You just need to breathe this minute.
“Grief … gives life a permanently provisional feeling. It doesn’t seem worth starting anything. I can’t settle down. I yawn, I fidget, I smoke too much. Up till this I always had too little time. Now there is nothing but time. Almost pure time, empty successiveness.”
― C.S. Lewis,
I like this quote, its exactly how it feels, life has a provisional feeling. You aren’t sure how to move forward. I feel like I am unable to make any decisions, and I probably shouldn’t, at least that’s is what counselors say. So I am trying not to.
Today I am going back to the OBGYN who delivered Andrew. Never an easy thing to go back to the scene of trauma. The harder part is having the conversation about why this all happened. I have been waiting for the testing to come back that they did on Andrew. I don’t know if it’s back yet or not, but I have decided I should pursue whatever minimally invasive testing they can do to find out why this keeps happening to us. I don’t think we will ever get pregnant again, but I don’t want to make that kind of decision right now. I am not equipped to. I need to know if there is anything they can do to keep this from happening again or not. Likely, we won’t find any answers, I know that, but I need to try. Even if we decide never to have any more kids, I need to pursue this. It’s not easy. Most of me just doesn’t want to talk about it, but I need to. Life is full of stuff we don’t have answers to. It’s just how it is.