Over the past few weeks, since we lost our son, I feel like my life has been made up of soundtracks. Songs have played over and over in my head and have brought me comfort. I wanted to share those. I’m only going to share the song name, artist and some lyrics because I can’t share videos here, but you can find any of these on youtube, if you want to listen.

The first song is from the night we came back from the doctor after finding out our son had passed away and we were facing a delivery and everything else.

Eye of the Storm- Ryan Stevenson

In the eye of the storm, You remain in control
And in the middle of the war, You guard my soul
You alone are the anchor, when my sails are torn
Your love surrounds me in the eye of the storm

This song just grounded me and reminded me Who was in control of this crazy situation I found myself in.

The night after we came back from the hospital, I was having trouble sleeping. This hymn came to my mind and I sang it to myself. I sang it to myself for nights after that and it always helped me sleep.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well with my soul.

The day of Andrew’s memorial service I had another song going through my head. This one made me laugh and helped at the same time.

just keep swimming,
just keep swimming,
just keep swimming swimming swimming,
what do we do we swim swim swim

I knew I just needed to keep going and this song reminded me of that.

This next song was later the next week. When life still had not settled down and I was facing health issues. The last bit of this song I just sang over and over and it got me through.

We are messengers- Magnify

I’ve been trying to make sense of the sorrow that I feel
Holding on for life to the only thing that’s real
I’ve only scratched the surface, I’ve barely had a taste
But just a glimpse draws my heart to change
And one sight of you lays my sin to waste
I don’t need to see everything, just more of you

Take it all, take it all away
Magnify no other name
Open up, open up my eyes
To you

Oh God, be greater, than the worries in my life
Be stronger, than the weakness in my mind
Be louder, let your Glory come alive
Be magnified

The last song is from this week. As I still struggle to make sense of all this, I heard this song and it just encapsulated what I was feeling.

Thy Will- Hillary Scott

I’m so confused
I know I heard You loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don’t wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of Your plan
When I try to pray
All I’ve got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done

I know You’re good
But this don’t feel good right now
And I know You think
Of things I could never think about
It’s hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all Your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that You’re God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done
Thy will be done
Thy will

I know You see me
I know You hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
I know You hear me
I know You see me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness You have in store
So

Right after I had visited my midwife, I was walking to the OBGYN’s office because they could not find the heartbeat and they wanted me to have an ultrasound. I was praying as I walked. I told the Lord I wanted him to make everything ok and have Andrew be fine, but I also ended my prayer with “thy will be done”. Jesus prayed that when he was in the Garden of Gethsemane as he was facing death. Jesus asked God to not make him do this, but God could not. Sometimes we don’t get the answer we want. Sometimes God says, “No”. I will not understand why this has happened, but I still will say, “Thy will be done”, because I know He has a plan greater than I can understand.