I was listening to a video of some other parents who were interviewed that had experienced pregnancy loss, be it still birth or miscarriage or even infant death. One lady was describing what her life felt like after her loss. She said she was going along on a train track and then all of a sudden someone hit a switch and she found herself on another track entirely. That is exactly how it feels. We are trying very hard to figure out this new reality. We thought we would bring home a new baby in February and then our life would change as it always does with a newborn. It would be sleep deprivation, crying sessions, and diaper changes. It would be snuggling and kissing baby toes and all the fun stuff. We talked about how hard going on vacation would be next year with two special needs kids, a toddler and a newborn. Now none of that will happen, and we have to adjust to our new reality. It makes me sad, but also I just feel lost mostly. I am not sure how to proceed. I don’t know where to start. Daily life looks mostly the same, except I’m not pregnant anymore, although I still have 10 extra pounds hanging around, that’s a cruel reality. But as the holidays approach, I know things are not the same. I find it necessary to do things differently than before. This year I need to keep busy. I need a distraction to make it through. I love the holidays, but I know they will be a series of ups and downs this year. This is not my first experience with grief and I know how this goes. It hits at the most unexpected times. Most days I do okay. I am busy with the other kids and just keep going on with life, but then something will trigger it and the sadness comes. Some days are just difficult. Yesterday was one of those. I can’t really say why, it just was. I think for the past two weeks I have been so focused on getting better physically with all I went through and now that it is resolved I have to deal with reality and I’m not sure how to do that.
I will admit that there is a small part of me that is relieved to not have to do the sleepless nights and colic. I am happy to have our youngest be an almost two year old. It means life is a little simpler than it would have been with a newborn. But then I also feel guilty for feeling that way. Grief is just complicated. I feel happy, sad and angry in the same moment. Grief is a journey and this is not something you just “get over”. You learn to move forward and find a way to carry it comfortably, but you never forget and it changes you. We will learn to move down this new track of our life, but it will take time to understand how to do that.