The absolute hardest part of working through our emotions and grief over the past week is the why question. Why did this happen? Why our family? Why Andrew? Why, why, why? It’s a question that we ask about so many things that happen, not just when we loose a loved one. We have asked why so much over the past 6 years of raising special needs kids. I have learned there just aren’t answers. I will never know why. We are having testing done to try and determine the medical why of what happened, but the doctor’s have told us already they don’t expect to find answers. And honestly I am not sure them finding answers would really make it any easier to bear. Even if I knew why, it would not stop the pain.
I have heard so many people around me say things like, “God just wanted Andrew in heaven”, “Andrew is an angel now”, and the like. I cannot believe that.These things are said to try to comfort, I realize and I don’t hold any offense, I am just giving my perspective on all this. First off, Andrew is not an angel because humans don’t become angels when we die. Secondly and more importantly, I don’t believe God had anything to do with Andrew dying. God’s will is that all of us have eternal life. He created humans to live forever, we messed all that up in the Garden and now we have finite lives. But God’s will was that we would never die. So, I don’t believe it was His will that Andrew’s little life be so short. However, he did know what would happen because he knows all things. And he will use this experience for our good, because he is good. I have to believe that. I cannot believe in a God that causes bad things to happen. He allows them, yes, because he knows what will happen. But we have created this messed up world for ourselves with sin and the bad things that happen are as a result of that sin, not anything to do with God or God’s will. This is the conclusion I have come to when faced with hard stuff like my son’s death or the fact that two of my children have special needs.
I still ask why. Not to God really, just in general. God could have intervened, but he didn’t. I will never understand. I do not understand how Andrew, who from all the tests was perfect, died and yet I have two children with severe special needs that lived. Why? I know that sounds like a harsh question and I am not wishing anything would have been different with my special kids, I am just asking the why of what happened with Andrew. Why do millions of women around the world have children they don’t want and then abort and I loose a very much wanted child? I will never have answers, but I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking these questions. God is not challenged by our questions. And He isn’t upset by our anger. I will freely admit these questions make me angry. Anger is a healthy emotion and apart of the grieving process.
I am being honest and I know this might be hard to read, but it is where we are. We aren’t in this place all the time, it comes and goes, but you cannot face something difficult without experiencing difficult emotions. You can either stuff them down and not feel them, or you let them out, which is the much healthier way to deal with them. Having a psych degree I know all about grieving from my studies but going through it is entirely different. I also know when to seek help. We are doing really well, I feel like, as well as one could be, but we have decided to seek counseling. And I would encourage anyone else who is experiencing grief to seek help as well. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of self awareness.