Friday I woke up and wasn’t sure what to do. Glenn went to pick up Andrew from the hospital. I stayed home with the kids, I just couldn’t face the hospital again. I packed up my maternity clothes because I couldn’t bare the sight of them. Glenn came home and we chose what Andrew would wear when we placed him in his little casket. Our brother in law, Stephen, made a tiny casket for us out of some leftover wood we had from when we put in our new counter tops. It turned out beautifully and we were so thankful to have such a nice box to place Andrew in. We had decided we wanted to have Andrew’s burial by ourselves. Glenn and his dad prepared the site, which is located at the edge of his parent’s property next door to our house. It’s down in the woods. It’s a lovely spot and we plan to plant some flowers and make a little memorial garden there. Glenn and I and Glenn’s parents had a small little service for the burial. We prayed and cried. It just wasn’t something I felt like I could do in front of other people. I really wasn’t sure if I would just loose it or not. It was very hard but I didn’t completely loose it. I will confess I spent the rest of the day in bed watching TV and crying. I just didn’t know what else to do. Luke came in and sat with me for the longest time just hugging me and being sweet. It was just what I needed.
Saturday we spent the day preparing our house for Andrew’s memorial service and dinner. It was so nice to have a distraction and something to do. We also went out that morning shopping for some pants for Luke. We just needed to do something normal. While I was shopping and preparing the house, I noticed I really wasn’t feel all that good. I usually bounce back from a birth fairly quickly and I just wasn’t doing that this time. I assumed it was just because of the stress and grief and just kept going.
The service was lovely. Our pastor came and did a wonderful job. He used scriptures that God had already given us during this process and it was very healing to our hearts. We had 43 family members come and support us. After a short service, we all took flowers down and placed them on Andrews grave, it was beautiful. Then we all came back to our house and had a wonderful meal. We watched football and just did the normal family dinner thing. It was really refreshing. We were so touched by how our family and friends reached out to us and cared for us that day. It was such a bonding experience for the family I think.
The next day I decided I would come to church. Glenn had to go early to play music and he took most of the kids. I came just before service started with Luke. I made it through church without crying too much, even with people coming and expressing sympathy. I really hate crying in public, so that was a big deal for me. As soon as we got home, I realized something wasn’t right. I asked Glenn to call the nurse line and they told us to go to the ER. We were in the ER for 6 hours and they did a lot of testing. They told us everything looked fine and sent me home with some medication to help my body continue to heal. During the night I got really sick. I ran a high fever and felt just awful. We went to the doctor as soon as they opened Monday morning and they did an ultrasound and determined I needed and emergency D & C because I had developed an infection. They sent me to the hospital. The worst part was we were “on call” for surgery, meaning we had to wait for the operating room to be available because obviously they had a long line of people who had already been scheduled for surgery. I was still running fever and feeling just terrible. We waited from 10am until 3pm for surgery and on top of feeling bad they didn’t allow me to eat or drink. At that point I hadn’t eaten for a day and a half. The surgery was quick and I did well. When I woke up I mentioned to the nurse that I was short of breath. She said it was normal because they had to intubate me during surgery. We went home within a couple hours. It was nice to be home with my kids again. Tuesday I spent most of the day in bed, because I was supposed to be resting. I was still in a lot of pain due to some medication they were making me take and also just from the surgery. I also couldn’t eat much at all because my throat hurt so much from intubation. Wednesday, was my first day on my own. I decided I needed to get the house clean and do some laundry, so I did. By midday I really couldn’t breathe. I called my doctor and they had me come immediately. They did a bunch of tests and determined I am anemic, big surprise after all I’ve been through, and mostly I am just physically and emotionally exhausted. I really haven’t slept well since all this happened due to physical discomfort, but also I wake up in the middle of the night crying. So, he gave me sleep medication and told me to take it easy, which is so hard for me to do.
That was our week. Honestly, it’s the worst week I have ever experienced in my life. People have asked me how we are doing. I am doing better physically then I have all week. Emotionally, I feel like we are doing as good as can be expected. I am not really sure what to do next, we are just easing back into normal life, but normal life has just changed so dramatically. Our future has just changed so dramatically. We thought we would welcome another baby into our family in February and now we are facing Luke being our last. We had come to terms with Andrew being our last baby, but after what we have faced we just cannot fathom trying to get pregnant ever again. They cannot explain why we have had three losses, two being second trimester, which is very rare. Clearly there is some problem, but they cannot tell us what it is. So, we are so blessed to have our 6 kids and we will move on with life. I cannot imagine going through this without any other kids. It would be so much worse. And we have the hope that we will see Andrew and our other two kids in heaven some day and that is what keeps us going each day. The pain is more than I can even describe, but it is just temporary, we will spend eternity all together as a family. All I ever want for any of my children is to know God and spend eternity with him, Andrew has already achieved that and he is blessed. As a mother, I am so happy for him. I am so sad for us, but happy for him. We are so thankful to everyone for the cards, flowers, meals, gifts, phone calls, and texts we have received. It has been a balm to our hurting hearts.