I struggle with anxiety. I think everyone does to some degree but, mine is a diagnosed condition. I’m a worrier. I worry about all sorts of stuff I don’t need to worry about. I have been through counseling and learned ways to deal with my anxiety and usually I can handle it pretty well. But sometimes. Sometimes, when I least expect it, anxiety sneaks up and grabs me. It takes me a minute to realize that it’s anxiety and I have control over it. It’s easy to allow yourself to become a victim to it. It’s easy to say, “well, I have anxiety and this is just how I am, I can’t change.” But I know I have control over my thoughts.

Since having Luke four weeks ago, I have been struggling with a heart condition. I have mitral valve prolapse, which sounds bad but really isn’t that big of a deal. I do see a cardiologist yearly to keep tabs on it. I was seeing him more frequently during my pregnancy because pregnancy makes my condition worse. After I had Luke my pulse was erratic. I would go from 125 down to 40. It made me short of breath and dizzy. So, I have seen the cardiologist twice in the last few weeks about this issue. He is hopeful that it’s just stress, dehydration and hormones, and that in time it will correct itself. What I know is that my anxiety about it makes it worse. It’s a cycle. I have to control my emotions and thoughts otherwise they will affect my health. Man, that’s easier said than done sometimes.

Why does God allow afflictions like this in our lives? Despite the fact that I have control over my anxiety, I have the genetic predisposition to have anxiety in the first place and my heart condition affects it as well. I think God allows this in my life so that I will have to lean on Him. I have dealt with this for years now and it doesn’t get any easier. It has been very hard over the past year with all that we have gone through with our daughter. It’s only when I surrender it to God that I can handle it. There is a song that’s popular right now from Sidewalk Prophets that I am currently listening to, it just came on the radio, and it is my prayer as I struggle with this. The lyrics are:

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

God uses this affliction to keep me broken so that I can be used by him. Don’t be ashamed if you struggle with something like anxiety. God can use our weaknesses. He is making us what He wants us to be, if we allow him to.


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