I am 11 weeks pregnant with our 6th child. We have three bio boys, one adopted boy, and one adopted girl. And for those of you who don’t know our story, we had two miscarriages in between all that, in 2008 and 2009. One was at 15 weeks and the other at 9 weeks. We never found out why we had those losses, so when I am pregnant I think about that, okay worry about it, and it makes it hard to enjoy being pregnant. Maternity clothes are one of those things that is hard for me. I distinctly remember the feeling of having to pack up the maternity clothes after we lost our first baby. It was a horribly painful experience. Then in our next pregnancy I was determined not to wear maternity stuff until as late as possible so I wouldn’t have to deal with the clothes should we lose the pregnancy, and we lost that one at 9 weeks. The last time I was pregnant I had the same conflict with myself and finally let myself wear them after the first trimester was over and we went on to have a healthy baby boy. This time I find myself in the same position. I need to wear maternity clothes, none of my regular pants fit anymore, but I don’t want to. I am trying to be more positive about this pregnancy and enjoy every minute of it, but it’s hard. The other kicker is that I actually have to buy some maternity stuff this time since I will be pregnant through the summer and I have mostly had winter babies. I have been brave and bought some things and they are in my closet. I have worn one or two things so far, but it’s hard. It takes commitment to wear maternity stuff for me. I know it is ridiculous, but it’s just hard for me to make that commitment. I am trying. Today, I bought a few more things I needed maternity clothes wise, and I was proud of myself. Part of me said I should wait until we are 16 weeks and past the two miscarriage times we had before, but really I know that makes no sense. There is no magic formula that says, well once you reach this point you are safe. Life has not absolutes like that. There are no guarantees, we just have to trust that God has a plan and He will help us get through whatever may happen.

So, I am gradually allowing myself to wear the maternity clothes and commit. Not committing will make things no easier if the worst should happen. We have heard this child’s heartbeat, chosen names, dreamed about the nursery and what this child might be like. We are in it. If the worst should happen we will know we loved this child fully in the time we had. That may sound pessimistic to those of you who haven’t had a miscarriage, but it is the reality of those of us who have. Pregnancy is never again just a fully happy carefree time, it is mixed with joy and concern.