I think maybe we have gone too far in science. I think maybe we know too much about our bodies and the way they are supposed to work. Why you ask? Well, I think maybe, sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Since last Monday I have been going to the OBGYN a couple of times a week for different tests. Ever since we discovered we were expecting baby number 6 and the OB discovered we had two previous miscarriages, both after finding heartbeats on the babies, they have been “closely monitoring” my pregnancy. That means I get poked with needles and they give me these HCG numbers that mean whether my baby will survive or not. Lovely. On the surface this seems like a good idea. Wouldn’t I want to know if they baby is doing well? Wouldn’t I want to know if it wasn’t? I am not sure I want to know either one. I am trying desperately to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy for as many days as God allows it to continue, whether that is just for today or till November 4, when our little one is due. However, having these tests all the time and then waiting for results and worrying if they will be “good” or not is way too stressful! So far I have had two blood tests and both had good numbers, which I am thankful for, but waiting for the results and for the next test is stressing me out. It’s not helping with the being content thing.
Tomorrow I have my first ultrasound, and I am stressed out. Why, you say? Well, for one, I will only be 5 weeks 3 days pregnant. Translation: they are unlikely to see a baby or heartbeat yet. While I know this in my head, I will still be disappointed and fearful when they don’t. Makes no sense I realize, but you have to understand that I hate ultrasounds. I have had two ultrasounds that caused immeasurable pain and I just don’t like them. I try to remember all the happy ultrasounds I have had, but often I find myself remembering the panic and sadness of seeing my little ones without a heartbeat and realizing the worst had happened. They just don’t bring up good memories for me. It will either be joy or pain and I am afraid of both.
I know that tomorrow they are likely to not see a baby, because it’s too early. I asked them to postpone it, but they insisted we should do one to try to make sure my dates are right for the pregnancy. I think they only see this from the clinical side of things. They have no idea the torture it is to pray you see a little heartbeat on the screen and the terror it is when you don’t.
I am doing my best to be at peace and know that God has all this in his Hand. He is forming this little one in his hands and He alone knows the outcome. I will trust, but it isn’t easy. I think I would rather just not know. I think going on thinking everything is fine with this pregnancy, since there is no signs that anything is wrong, would just be more peaceful. But alas, there is reality, and we do live in the world of science and science needs to know everything, whether it’s helpful or not.