Anger. Not something people generally want to talk about, especially not moms. We as moms are supposed to be super heroes right? We aren’t supposed to get angry or frustrated or sad. We are supposed to be patient at all times and happy constantly. Now, how many people, if they are honest, are like that? Not me!
Yesterday Joshua was having a day. He had been at preschool on Wednesday and did really well. I know that when he gets really tired and we mess with his routine we are going to pay for it later. I know this and so I anticipated Thursday being bad, but you really can’t prepare yourself sometimes. I have been solo parenting this week, Glenn has been in DC on a field trip with his school and he gets back tonight, thank goodness. I don’t know how single parents do it, I would go crazy I think. But you have to do what you have to do. Every night this week my sweet neurotic nine-year old has gotten me up at 2am to come and fix his sheets. He has to have perfect sheets to sleep, because he is his father’s son. Truthfully, I think he has been a little on edge with Daddy gone and this is an excuse to come see me, but that still means I have to get up and fix his sheets. Then I have been getting up at 6am to get three kids out the door to two different schools this week. Usually Glenn takes them. That means I am cranky because I have gotten less sleep than usual. So, yesterday when Joshua started his tantrums about ridiculous things I was already running on empty. He was whinny when he got up in the morning and then just ill about everything. By the time it was almost nap time and I came in the living room where he had been “playing” to find he had dumped out every toy we own on the floor and then proceeded to destroy his brother’s room and take all the sheets off their beds that I had just made, I was beyond frustrated.
I really didn’t like him at that moment and I will confess I wished it was a preschool day. I put him into his room, after yelling at him, so I wouldn’t hurt him. I have learned that it’s okay to admit you are angry and beyond your limits of control, but when those moments happen you have to separate yourself before you do something hurtful or say something mean. Most kids can be frustrating at times, especially toddlers, but Joshua is different. He loves to make messes and hear things crash and he seems like he just wants to do whatever I said not to. He is my most difficult to control child. And there are times I get really angry at him, but in those moments I remember he can’t help it. Some things he can control, but a lot of the time he does the things he does because he has low impulse control. It’s knowing that fact that helps me see him differently and cope better. I will not say that parenting him or any of our kids is easy, in fact, it’s really hard sometimes.
I think we as parents, especially moms, want to put off this persona of having it all together and being perfect all the time. That really isn’t helping anyone, it really hurts us. When I have my moments of being a bad parent I think about other moms that I perceive as better and wish I could be like them. That’s really not helpful and it’s not true. No one is perfect and there are not perfect moms. I remember when I started our first adoption process, I thought to myself I shouldn’t take on more kids because I can’t handle the two I have sometimes. The truth of that is that yes, I lose it sometimes and don’t always make the best choices as a parent, but I get it right more often than not, I think. And when a child has no one, I know I can do better than that. I can put food on the table and love them in a flawed way, but that is better than an orphanage. I am not super mom and I mess it up sometimes, some days it seems like that’s all I do, but I am better than nothing. I love my kids even though I am not perfect and I think I am a better parent than I was last year. I am making slow progress. Don’t expect yourself to be perfect. If you can not loose it as many times today as you did yesterday, you are making progress. 🙂