This week was a tough one. Just exhausting emotionally, physically and spiritually. I have mentioned before on this blog that I am adopted. I was adopted at 2 months old by my parents. Being adopted is a wonderful thing, but it leaves questions in your heart that no one can answer. The biggest question is “who am I?”. Everyone asks this question, but I think as an adoptee there is a deeper need for an answer. So many people seek to answer this question by looking at those around them. They allow their friends and especially their family to answer this question for them. This is a problem. No one can answer that question for you, it is between you and God. I think for the adoptee, though, Satan likes to point to this question of “who am I?” to make us insecure. That whole idea of being unwanted, unloved and unplanned. I experienced this sort of assault this week.
As apart of our current adoption process I have to have a copy of my adoption decree from my adoption. My mom never got such a document. I was surprised by this because we have one for Joshua and to me it was such a meaningful document, I can’t imagine not having it. None the less, my mom only ever got a birth certificate for me. So, that lead me on a quest to figure out how to get this document. But it also led me on a rabbit trail of what if’s. What if I wasn’t ever adopted legally? What if I can’t get this document? You cannot really understand the way that shakes you unless you have been an adoptee. You place such security in your adopted parents, so the idea that maybe they were not legally your parents really shakes you. Fortunately, a very nice woman at the court-house found the document and sent it to me with a legal seal and signature of a judge the next business day for FREE!!! That is God! Stuff like that always costs a bunch of money, what a blessing. But until I got those documents Satan brought up questions in my heart.
Before I got the adoption decree this week I met with my birthgrandmother on my father’s side. We have met many times, but we have never really discussed the circumstances around my adoption. I learned some things that really were shocking. I learned that my birthfather might not be my birthfather. There apparently was another man involved with my birthmother around the same time. That was another situation that Satan really used to shake me. It is hard finding out that the man you have thought of as your birthfather for 10 years may not be. He is sure that he is my birthfather and does not doubt it and, I agree. But it was shocking.
After all this happening within the last week I was just tried, emotionally. I went to church on Sunday and my husband and I were being set in as Directors of Christian Education at our church. We went to the altar and the elders and ministers prayed over us. During that prayer our pastor’s wife spoke a word over me. I don’t remember the exact words but I remember her saying that “God knew me from my conception and He used the foolish things of the world to confound the wise.” That was just what I needed to hear. All this week I have questioned who I am. God know all the time. He knew me from my conception, and whatever events surrounded that time. I was unplanned of man, but planned by God. He knew what He would have for me to do even then. I don’t have to wonder who I am, I just need to ask God to remind me who I am and that is His child. It doesn’t matter who my parents are or aren’t, they do not define who I am. God does.
It doesn’t matter where you have come from, who your parents are or what the events were surrounding your coming to be on the is earth. God has a plan for you and has known you since your conception. He created you and knew you before your birth. You are His child. Psalm 139
I leave you with the words to a song that God has been playing on the radio every single day this week at the same time, just for me.
Remind me who I am- Jason Gray
When I lose my way, And I forget my name, Remind me who I am. In the mirror all I see, Is who I don’t wanna be, Remind me who I am. In the loneliest places, When I can’t remember what grace is.
Tell me once again who I am to You, Who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You, That I belong to You. To You.
When my heart is like a stone, And I’m running far from home, Remind me who I am. When I can’t receive Your love, Afraid I’ll never be enough, Remind me who I am. If I’m Your beloved, Can You help me believe it.
Tell me once again who I am to You, Who I am to You, whoa. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You. That I belong to You. To You.
I’m the one you love, I’m the one you love, That will be enough, I’m the one you love.
Tell me once again who I am to You. Who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You, That I belong to You, oh.
Tell me once again who I am to You. Who I am to You. Tell me lest I forget who I am to You, That I belong to You. To You.