Torn

Yesterday I went to Samuel’s school for his Living Museum presentation. He was Jesse Owens. They all had to choose a famous person from a list and do an oral report and poster on that person. So, all the kids are in one room with their posters and you were supposed to go around and ask each on of them to share with you who they were and what thing they did. Samuel is normally a very shy little guy so I wondered if this would be a challenge for him. He also doesn’t normally like a lot of attention and doesn’t really want me to come to things at school. He actually asked me to come today, so I did.

I knew this would be problematic since I would have to take his three younger brothers with me, but off we went. We got into the classroom and it was pretty crazy in there. Joshua freaked out! I tried to calm him but that wasn’t going to happen. I was torn with what to do. Do I stay for Samuel’s sake and deal with Joshua or do I leave, as I am sure everyone else was hoping I would? I stayed long enough to hear Samuel’s presentation and high-tailed out of there. But it was REALLY hard. I could tell that Samuel was disappointed that I had to leave. But Joshua was not going to calm down. It’s apart of his SPD, he just can’t handle noise like that. It’s the first time two of my children have had needs that opposed each other directly. I almost cried walking out. Fortunately my dear husband showed up just as we were leaving and went to see Samuel, benefits of having your DH work at the school your son goes to.

I came home and called my mom and told her all about it. She quickly told me to stop putting mommy guilt on myself. She was right, but it’s still hard. I prayed about it, more sort of whining/yelling about it to God, about how unfair this is and why me sort of stuff. And in my heart this phrase came up, it was “you cannot feel guilty for something you cannot change”. It made me feel much better. However, this is not the last time this is going to come up. I know. I will still want to know why we have to deal with this and why Joshua has to have SPD. It seems so unfair to him and my other kids! But I also know that this is God’s will for our lives and He has a plan and a reason for all this, but that is not always easy to see at the moment.

4 thoughts on “Torn

  1. I don’t know if you know this, but my older brother has a learning disability. My parents definitely had to focus a lot more of their attention on him(although honestly, as a kid, I never noticed it much). But recently my mom felt she had to apologize for what she thought was a severe lack of attention (she obviously felt very guilty – and shouldn’t have). Honestly – growing up, I knew that Brian needed a special KIND of attention, but I never looked at it as MORE. I KNEW my parents loved both of us, and never felt shafted – and I don’t think your kids will either. They know how much mommy loves them, and daddy too. You’re right – God does have a purpose for this, and while He’s working out that purpose, He’ll give you and your family what they need to accomplish it. You’re doing a GREAT job!

  2. Please let me know next time you have something like this to do. I would be MORE than happy to come watch the littles for you!! I have not been in this particular situation but I’m sure the mommy guilt would set in for me too! Heck I think it’s hard just to take a baby somewhere let alone three kids!

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